Got talent for purple prose? Enter contest

Time for Hubbard squash, baked apples, homecoming, the World Series, wrapped caramels, candy corn, treks up the canyon to see the last of the leaves, crisp air, scary movies, ghost stories, amber sunlight, scarlet berries and asters in bloom.

Time to turn the clock back, celebrate my dad's birthday (and my brother's birthday, too!), rake up leaves, plant pansies, dig trenches for bulbs, shut down the swamp cooler, turn off the sprinklers, turn on the heat, winterize the car, pull out the hoody, put on a costume and carve a pumpkin.

AND ALSO TIME TO WRITE YOUR SENTENCE FOR THE DESERET NEWS' ANNUAL BAD WRITING CONTEST!

We do this every year, kids.

You are invited to write the first sentence of the worst book never written and thereby invoke the memory of Victorian novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton who penned the most famous opening line in the history of purple prose: "It was a dark and stormy night."

Our contest is modeled after the muy famosa Bulwer-Lytton contest (www.bulwer-lytton.com) created by professor Scott Rice of San Jose State University.

(Fight on for dear old San Jose State! Fight on for Victory! We are with you in every way! No matter what the price may be!) (Sorry. You know how I can never resist a good fight song.)

Anyway. Check out the Bulwer-Lytton Web site for this year's national winners. Garrison Spik of Washington, D.C., pulled down high honors with this gem: "Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped 'Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."'

High-five, Garrison Spik!

So sit up and pay attention. Here are the rules for our contest.

1. Your sentence must be original.

2. Your sentence must be a sentence. Not two sentences. Or three. The judicious use of semi-colons and colons is fine, but keep in mind that uber-long sentences are daunting to our judges. Shoot for under 50 words.

3. You may submit more than one sentence.

4. Your sentence can be rooted in any genre: romance, horror, children's fiction, historical, contemporary literary, mystery, thriller, western, sci-fi or fantasy, adventure, whatever.

5. While we're at it, let's have a "Dark and Stormy Night" category.

6. Also, my friend Anne Holman and I are still in the market for a good "Talking Unicorn" sentence. So send some of those along, too.

7. Also, if you're 18 years old or younger, let me know. Chances are good we'll have a category again just for you.

8. Please include your name with each entry.

9. Your entry/entries must be received by Tuesday, Oct. 14.

E-mail them or send them to me in care of the paper. If our judges like your sentence, we will print it (along with your name) in the paper.

Still no prize purse in sight if you win, I'm very sorry to say.

But if you make me laugh, I'll love you for the rest of my life.

E-mail: acannon@desnews.com

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