Stocks can't beat an old Nike box
Doug Robinson
I was newly hired by the Deseret News, fresh out of college, and I had a grown-up's paycheck for the first time in my life, or as close to one as a newspaper man can get.
I rented a basement apartment for $50 a month, which I shared with mice and spiders (the apartment, not the money).
I had a girlfriend and a new car, paid for (the car, not the girlfriend).
I had groceries, which is to say plenty of Cap'n Crunch and milk. ...
I had a few clothes in my closet that would pass for "professional" work attire, or, anyway, enough to make the subtle transition from college slob to reporter slob.
What else did I need?
I cashed the checks and threw the money — cash and coin — into an old Nike box on the floor of my room.
Soon there were thousands of dollars in there (well, probably "soon" is an exaggeration; probably so is "thousands").
Now I know what you're thinking. I can hear what you're saying. Why did he put his money in a Nike shoe box?
Because I didn't have an old sock.
In retrospect, I was reckless.
Or buried it in the backyard.
Don't try this at home, kids.
The box was convenient. It was my own ATM, and I didn't need a plastic card and a password to make a withdrawal. It was open 24 hours a day. I didn't have to drive anywhere to get money. I didn't have to pore over bank statements. And, as far as I know, it never lost money.
If nothing else, it was a safety deposit box that cost me $39.99, and it came with cross trainers.
My friends saw the box of money and said a lot of things that were followed by exclamation points. I seem to recall the words "stupid!" and "idiot!," among other things.
Then I got married.
I put my money in a checking account and the credit union and a four oh one kay.
At the urging of family and friends, I bought "CDs," but not the kind with music on them (that would have been more profitable).
Then I took more "expert" advice and "invested" my money. I "put my money to work" for me.
I got a broker. He told me what to buy.
If he told me to buy mutual funds, I bought mutual funds.
If he told me to buy stocks, I bought stocks.
If he told me to buy bonds, I bought bonds, whatever those are.
If he told me to "diversify," I diversified.
If he told me to buy food stocks or high-tech stocks, I bought them. ...
If he had told me to buy cornstalks or livestock or Woodstock, I would have bought those, too.
Once in a while, I looked at the stock market quotes in the newspaper the way I looked at baseball scores, and I'd check the monthly statements, and I seemed to be getting "a nice return on my investment." Or I could be lying because I have no idea what I'm talking about. The best part about it was that I got to use the word "portfolio" in a sentence, which I had always wanted to do.
Recent comments
Loved your article--it made my day !!!!!
Iris Brown | Sept. 30, 2008 at 11:48 a.m.
Entertaining but naive. Have you ever looked at historical stock…
Huh? | Sept. 30, 2008 at 10:35 a.m.
Wow, good one..I like that from the beginning to the end...
Well…
Hot2belatin | Sept. 30, 2008 at 9:43 a.m.
